In counseling, we often find that a husband has built
quite a case against his wife. It becomes evident
that he= s
spent a lot of time cataloguing and analyzing what he
believes is wrong with her. The case generally
includes judgements about her upbringing, her life
before him, her hormones, about what she says, how she
acts, and how she=
s offended him. He rehearses the case in his mind.
And on the basis of his beliefs and conclusionsB
that she is broken and doesn=t
work right--he keeps his defenses up so that he will not
Anyone can build a case against another person.
None of us is perfect, and each of us falls short many
times and misses the mark. Thus we give others
much opportunity to build a case against us. But
having such a case against one=
s wife is not a good thing. It comes between the
spouses and separates them. On the basis of the
case, the husband holds back from his wife, and
withholds his heart from her. By this, he
ministers much rejection to her. The wife often is
bound and constrained by his negative view and
disapproval of her. These fetters sometimes impel
her to make mistakes, adding more negative data to her
analysis, entrenching him deeper in his beliefs.
Obviously, no one but the devil wins in this state of
If the husband and wife are to remove the gap between
them and get reconnected, the case must be put away.
One basis on which to put the case away is simply to
realize that it is not love to hold it. (In this
vignette, we are not trying to tackle the issue of
whether the case is correct. But the truth is that it
seldom is correct. Generally it is full of
misunderstandings, wrong assumptions, imputations of
motives that are not there, and self-serving
conclusions.) The husband is commanded to love his
wife like Jesus loved the church (Ephesians 5:25).
Even if he had a legitimate case, he must stop
rehearsing it and instead
in your love for one another, because love covers a
multitude of sins" (I Peter 4:8 NAS).
John writes that Aif
anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus
Christ the Righteous" (I John 2:1 NAS). The word
is translated AComforter@
(in John 14:16, 26; 15:26; 16:7), speaking of the Holy
Spirit. It refers to one who is called to someone=
s aid, who pleads on their behalf before a judge, who
functions as a defense attorney. This is
how Jesus comforts us when we fall short. But too
often, a husband takes the role of prosecuting
attorney towards his wife, as well as the role of
witness for the prosecution, and judge. This is
not love. The case must go.
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